Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
