The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
