I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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