Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
