I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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