i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
