I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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