Already got asked if we're dating
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
