omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
