I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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