U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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