During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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