I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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