I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
