Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
