Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
