i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
