he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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