Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
