bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
operation have a gay friend backfired
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
