Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize