His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
