I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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