i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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