Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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