my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
