That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
