Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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