I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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