All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
