I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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