All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
