that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
