I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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