My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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