You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
