I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
