He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
