He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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