I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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