I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
how drunk are you?
Several
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
