i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
