Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
