dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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