I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
