i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
