I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
