Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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