Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize