Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You smell like stripper and shame
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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