That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
