Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
