I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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