I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
