I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize