We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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