My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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