Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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