my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
